Is the past behind us?

Had one of those dreams last night. You know, the ones where you tell yourself, "This can't be real," but you're so captivated that you just roll with it, then find yourself scratching and clawing, desperately grasping for that invisible thread, that thin air, that unreachable, imaginary something that will keep the door open and not allow it to end. Then, you wake up.

I found myself walking into AJ's classroom. He was about 5, maybe 6 years old and as beautiful as ever. I was tracking him from across the room, which seemed more like a gymnasium than a class room. I could only see his back as he was running, hiding from his Dai (AJ speak for Daddy, pronounced Daeeee).  The other kids were all standing at attention, as if ready to say The Pledge of Allegiance or something, but AJ was not having any of it. I was trying to get his attention so I could silently scold him using very deliberate, and forceful hand gestures with facial expressions to match, but he knew I was there and was playing hide and seek. I was getting a little upset, and embarrassed. All of the other kids were paying attention, quietly standing at the ready, their proud parents looking on, then, turning to me with that, "Well, aren't you going to do something!?" look on their faces. As I stooped, peering through the dark forest of little slacks and blazers, I found him. His big, perfectly round head which rested on his little toothpick of a neck, his little long sleeve striped turtle neck shirt, his little corduroy pants, his little hiking boots, and his big bright blue eyes and adorable little smile that could stop air traffic.

In an instant, I remembered all the times I was too quick to discipline, too quick to quash his little, innocent voice, not allowing him to express himself...all the times I was that ironfisted, overbearing, ignorant asshole of a Dad. As my eyes began to well up with tears and my heart began to sag with the heavy, heavy weight of guilt and regret...I began to play. Smiling and laughing, we both ran. The other kids were all a blur as my eyes focused on this little boy, this life affirming treasure of innocence, happiness, and joy. I played like I'd never played before.

Then, with the rising sun, I was yanked from this wonderful dream, and thrust back into the reality of  life.

AJ and I have not been on solid speaking terms since January. There is truly nothing in this life that prepares you for this kind of thing. No personal, or professional relationship to refer to. No emotional disconnect. Just rough, raw, unexplored territory with no maps or guides of any kind, other than those whom you've chosen to share it with. But even their advise, though well intended, offers little solace. I hear how or what he's doing from those he keeps in contact with. We have moments, here and there where we can sit and just enjoy each others company, but those are few and far between. Most of the time I find myself holding back the impulse to lecture him on "Following through" and "Accountability" and, sometimes I just can't, resulting in another few weeks of not hearing from him.

Perhaps the lesson of my dream.

We can't go back, unfortunately, and repair the damage no matter how desperately we'd like to. I've always believed that it was foolish to think of such things, the past is behind us, I wouldn't want to change a thing...but now, I'm not so sure.

Bike riding and racing was the one thing we shared, and now, even that's gone. Victim of a parenting tool gone wrong? Perhaps.

I keep training and racing, waiting for the day he decides to come back in earnest. He's a grown man now, making his own decisions. Solo rides are the norm. Gone are the days of racing home so that we could get in our training rides. Gone are the days of me, trying to stay on his wheel during our intervals, well, those days were gone anyway as he'd grown stronger year after year. At first I'd use my ipod to help pass the time, but now, I find myself listening to the wind, waiting for the day that I hear, "Dad, wait up!"

Parenting is a tough gig. But, someones gotta do it. Mistakes will be made, lessons will be learned...eventually...on both sides. Stubbornness is the ball and chain, ignorance is the penitentiary.

I know things will get better as time passes. But man...some days are better than others.